The year was 1992 and I was in the 8th grade. My best friend, Tara, and I were inseparable. We did everything together; had sleep-overs almost every weekend, went to skating parties {yes skating parties were cool back then}, hung out at the movies {because again that was cool too} and loved giving each other make-overs.
I remember this day so vivid.
It was towards the end of the school year and we were all sitting in study-hall together talking. Tara bent down to pick up her book that she dropped and a few of us noticed a huge lump on her back.
We all asked her about it and she quickly said it was nothing. We urged her to show her mom and make an appointment to get it checked out but she just tried to brush it off.
The next thing I know, Tara goes missing from school for a few days and no one can get a hold of her. I remember calling her every day and leaving her message after message but she never returned any of my phone calls.
The end of the school year arrives, and Tara never made it back to school.
A few months later, I heard that she had cancer. Cancer at the age of 14!
Being so young, I didn’t fully grasp what was going on but I tried to be there for her as best as a 14 year old could. She avoided my calls and never wanted to talk to me, it completely devastated me.
Finally the next school year, she agreed to see me. At that point she wasn’t doing too well, but I was happy that she allowed me to spend the day with her. She was in bed for most of our time together, too weak to get up. We chatted and laughed like old times and I thought that things would be different.
After that visit, she completely shut me off and we lost touch with one another.
A few years later when I was 21, I ran into a mutual friend. The first words out of her mouth were, “Why weren’t you at Tara’s funeral?”
Did she say Tara’s funeral? It felt like I got punched in the stomach.
I had no idea Tara passed away and my heart broke in a million pieces. That night I went home and wrote her mother a long letter to tell her that I just found out about Tara and I was so sorry I wasn’t there.
I never got an acknowledgment back from her, which truly crushed me.
I haven’t thought about this for years and the other day I drove by Tara’s old street. It was like a flood gate of memories hitting me all at once.
All these years, I felt like maybe I gave up on our friendship too soon and carried so much guilt around with me.
Almost 20 years later, it stills breaks me up inside that I never had a chance to say good-bye to my childhood friend.
But today I am letting go of the guilt because I truly know I tried to be there for her as best as I could.
And I am finally getting the chance to say good-bye to my friend;
Sweet Dreams Tara.
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Wow. That is horrible. It sounds like you did all you could, though. You tried and she wouldn’t stay in touch, right? It must have been more than she could handle. ((hugs)) I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about.
Cancer is sooo terrible at any age, but particularly hard to come to grips with when the person is really young. Sounds like you did all that you could do to be a good friend. I am sure that her mom was touched by your letter; the grieving process is different for all and I can imagine particularly gruesome when it your child. I am sure that her mom has beautiful memories of you and her daughter that brings a smile to her face when she thinks back.
.-= ZippyChix´s last blog ..Technology Rage =-.
That is so heartbreaking! I’m sure that Tara knows how much you loved her.
This gave me goosebumps! *HUGS*
I’m so sorry you didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. But you are right, you can’t continue feeling guilty. You did your best and sometimes terminal illness can make people shut others out. Maybe she was trying to protect you from seeing her in pain? Think of it that way. She probably valued your friendship that much that she didn’t want to put you through seeing her like that.
.-= Michelle @ Mommy Loves Stilettos´s last blog ..Do as I say- Not as I do =-.
Cancer is horrible at any age! It sounds like you did all you could to be there for her. Maybe she didn’t want you to see her in pain, but I’m sure she knew how much you cared for her.
This was a very powerful post (I am grappling with a college friend’s recent diagnosis of Stage 4 colon cancer as we speak, so this was timely too)… I agree, you can’t carry this guilt with you any longer. It’s always devastating when someone who used to be a large part of our life pushes us away, or doesn’t let us see the “real them” for whatever reason. I find it hard as an adult, let alone as a 14 year old!
.-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..Im Most Likely Delusional =-.
That is really sad and I probably would have felt the same way that you did. It does sound like you tried everything that you could but the way that she was dealing with it wasn’t allowing you in. I’m sure that it wasn’t personal, just her way of dealing with the horrible situation.
I dealt with cancer a couple of years ago and in talking with others who were going through the same thing I found a lot of people dealing with the same thing in very different ways. I wrote about some of my experience in my comment luv post below.
Letting go of your guilt is the best thing that you can do for yourself. Virtual hugs to you!
.-= Stacy´s last blog ..Finding Joy in Unexpected Places =-.
Oh girl, this breaks my heart. This is so sad. I am glad you are saying good-bye to the guilt though. You did everything you could. She shut you out for whatever reasons. It is sad when that happens. Love you. xoxo
I think you did your best at the age you were at. That is such a hard thing to deal with even as an adult. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that, but I think that you were a great friend her. I am so glad that you are letting go of the guilt.
Cancer is hard at any age and I am sure it was hard on you as well – with not really being old enough to grasp what was going on. I am glad you were able to release that guilt.
What a beautiful post Tina. You truly did everything that you could have done. Everyone handles difficult situations differently but you handled it beautifully. I am so sorry about your friend.
.-= Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation´s last blog ..Teething Sucks & How I Learned Men Have Always & Will Always be BABIES =-.
I can’t even begin to say that I know how hard it must be to deal with this. Sending lots of love your way! *hugs*
.-= Jenn @ South of Sheridan´s last blog ..A New Home =-.
It sounds like you did make an effort to connect with her. You can only do so much. It is hard to know what was going through her mind. I know I tend to shut people out, even people I really care about, when I am going through something really difficult. I’m so sorry for your loss, but I am glad you have been able to let go of the guilt and move on.
On a side note, I am stopping by from the SITS hedgehog group.
Oh my God. Wow, so hard. I’m so sorry you had to find out that way, I’m so sorry her mom didn’t contact you. This post was written so beautifully. Thank you for sharing such an honest story.
I’m so sorry. This made me tear up and I would feel completely lost if I were in your place. I am so sad Tara’s mom never wrote back.
.-= Mothers’ Hideaway´s last blog ..Guest Post &8211 Big Mama =-.
Wow.
That story gave me chills.
I know that posting it got so many emotions out of you and set free.
That is the beauty of having a public place to write. IT’s there to see.
I’m so sorry for this.
And, you’re so right…we have to let go of the guilt.
I don’t think anyone at 14 is ready to handle that. You did the best that you could at that time in your life. I’m glad that you can let go of the guilt.
.-= Shell´s last blog ..Gevalia Prize Pack Giveaway and Royal Vinter Review =-.
Oh man, I’ve got tears over here. I’m so sorry – that is so sad. You were both young girls. She probably was struggling with coping with her illness and it sounds like you did your best to reach out.
I do hope you find some peace in writing this tribute.
Wow, that made me tear up. I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about. Her mother knew you called and left messages; her mother knew you tried and she knew her daughter retreated from you. Plus she was the adult (not that I know what it’s like to lose a child, but someone could have called you to let you know what happened).
Hugs!
Oh my gosh. I can only imagine the kind of guilt you have carried around about this. What a hard thing to live with and go through at such a young age. Cancer is devastating and I cannot even think about how hard it would be to understand so young. I truly hope you can let go of the guilt and say goodbye. It is a hard thing to do but very healthy.
Stopping by from hedgehog day#7. Love how your pages are listed at the top and how your comments show up. So fun to be able to include our twitter names as well!
Tina, I’m so sorry. I lost both of my best friends in elementary school (one was to cystic fibrosis in 2nd grade, and one was to a brain tumor in 4th grade.) Those were hard times. I didn’t go to the funeral in 2nd grade because my parents felt I was too young. But I went to the other one. It was so sad. She was such a wonderful girl. They both were great gals and I know we’d still be friends to this day if they had lived.
You can’t live with the guilt that you weren’t there if she pushed you away. It’s just adding a burden that isn’t yours. It’s no one’s. I’m so sorry she was that way. I can’t explain it, but I can give you a hug and say I know how it feels to lose your best friend. Here’s a big hug and some kleenex because I am totally crying for you and my own memories.
.-= Alisha´s last blog ..This Year Is Just Flying By!! =-.
What a beautiful tribute to your friend.
I hope writing this gave you the chance you needed to say good bye to your friend and get closure.
Beautiful post but oh so sad!!! There is nothing you could have done though…sometimes people just don’t want others around when they are going through something like that.
I tweeted about this post. It is amazing how memories of special people can flood back.
This post has brought tears to my eyes as I relived what happened and how you have felt through the years. We pass her mom’s street everyday as we travel back and forth and we never forgot, … never forget Tara… people handle things in all different ways and the note that you sent her mom I am sure was truly cherished….. Tara is smiling down on you and Lauren. You two girls were truly friends to Tara in her short years with us. Be free Tina. Love you lots.
How terribly sad – I hope you truly have gotten rid of the guilt, as there’s nothing else you could have done to force yourself back into her life. And even if she wasn’t able to respond, I bet Tara’s mom appreciated knowing how much her daughter meant to you.
:*(
I’m so sorry to hear this. I imagine that she was having a very difficult time holding on to friendships knowing she would not be long for this world. And I think that probably contributed to her pushing you out of her life at such a young age. That makes it so difficult on you though to process… because you were mourning the loss of a friend before she had even left this world.
I’m sure she understands but I’m glad that you are letting go of the pieces of guilt you’ve been carrying around with you all these years.
This is a beautiful tribute to her and it shows what a beautiful, caring spirit you have.
.-= Charlotte´s last blog ..the post i hope my parents never read =-.
That just shot wicked chills through me. We lost a very special friend to my daughter when she was in high school, and it began as a lump in his back. Horrible, rotten disease!
.-= blueviolet´s last blog ..Monkey- Gorilla- Human Male – Its All The Same =-.
I’m so sorry, that is horrible. I have a good friend who battled cancer throughout high school. It was so hard and sometimes we had to fight to stay friends with her, it’s a lot to go through on both sides. You did the best you could!
.-= Christa´s last blog ..Just One Change =-.
Such a gut wrenching story. I am glad you are letting go of your guilt and knowing you did everything you possibly could. xoxo
.-= Molly´s last blog ..Dont be tardy in your cardi =-.
Oh my goodness! The tears just welled up as I read this. I felt so bad for you. I can only imagine what that must have felt like. But thank God today that you can let go knowing that you indeed tried your best. May your healing be complete and quick.
.-= Fruitfulvine2´s last blog ..Help Me Choose A Cover =-.
You are right, it is time to let go of the guilt… Great post.
I am glad to hear you are letting this guilt go as you did everything you could to keep in touch. Shame on the family for not including you in the celebration of Tara’s life.
My friends and I recently went through the same thing with a college friend. My friend feels as you do so I plan to send this post to her.
Happy SITS day.
LisaDay
.-= LisaDay´s last blog ..Why Joan Rivers =-.
Wow. That would be so tough for a young teenager to handle. I don’t think you did anything wrong…how could you know how to deal with CANCER for crying out loud!
I’m sure Tara loved you…my best friend died of cancer 2 years ago, almost exactly, and she trid to protect me from it as much as possible…that’s just who she was. So maybe Tara was doing the same. I’m glad you’re letting go of the guilt, because I promise you, no one holds it against you.
8th grade in 1992? Ug. I feel OLD!!! : )
.-= Kerri´s last blog ..Sunday and My Hubby =-.
Oh wow. I’m so sorry! You did all you could to reach out so I’m glad you’re letting go of the guilt. (hugs)
.-= Melissa {adventuroo}´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday- A Day at the Biltmore =-.
What a heartbreaking post. I think you held on to that guilt for too long. It’s good to hear that you were able to let it go. That’s such a hard thing for a 14 year old to handle.
.-= Mrs. Mootz´s last blog ..Leave Me Breathless =-.
It is hard for adults to deal with cancer and death – you did what you could and I love that you wrote out about your guilt.
This story breaks my heart. i am so sorry for your loss…but glad that you have closure.
Crystal
http://survivingandthrivinginmom-dom.blogspot.com
.-= Crysta´s last blog ..To Grandma With Love =-.
It sounds like you really tried to be her friend even in the worst of times. I know I wasn’t a very good friend when my husband was at his worst with his arthritis. He was bedridden, and I just felt like I couldn’t even talk to most of our friends when they called. I ignored several calls and emails, and I feel really bad about it now.
Wow, thanks for sharing your story. You both were so young. Cancer and loss is difficult for friends of any age. Forgiving yourself is important. That is a lot for you to hold onto. Glad you have found some peace.
.-= Lindsay´s last blog ..Yummy Yogavive Chips Review and Giveaway =-.
You broke my heart
.-= Momma Cupcake´s last blog ..Help Me! Save Me! =-.
So sad! Sorry you had to go through this but letting go is the best way to deal with it now. You did the best you could and that is all you can do.
=( i’m so sorry to hear that.. =’(
.-= viviene´s last blog ..If I had more time- I would… =-.
Your post really touched me. I admire the honesty with which you shared this very personal story, and the feelings you had, and have, about your friend. Thank you for putting your honesty out there. It’s always a little risky – or at least, it still feels that way to me.
I’m sorry to hear about your sad experience. I am glad you’re letting yourself release the guilt. I am sure Tara would not have wanted you to feel that either. God bless you both.
.-= Khara´s last blog ..Gone =-.
Such a sad story! Always remember your friend with fondness remember you were a child yourself and powerless in many ways to comphrend the situation!
.-= tanya bray´s last blog ..the urban panda… =-.
*cries* I’m sitting here trying to imagine what was like for you and wow. I had a friend I was close to at that age, too. Friendships at that time in one’s life are so intense and emotional. They are everything!
I’m sure she knew how much you loved her. I’m sure her mother knows, too. So sorry to hear of the loss of your friend and how you found out about it.
.-= Rebekah C´s last blog ..Do I work! Do you! =-.
As I was reading your post I thought, oh, but you did the very best you could and knew how (especially as a teenager!), and so I am so glad that today, as an adult, you are able to recognize that and leave the guilt behind. But I am so sorry you have had to go through that, at such a young age (and I am so sorry for Tara and her family…as for her mother, maybe she wasn’t in a good place and did not have the strength to respond). Cancer and death are things that young people are just in no way prepared to deal with, and yet you never shied away from trying to be there for your friend. I think you have alot to be proud of.
I have a friend who battled and survived cancer many years ago, and I was *not* there for her. Today I still question myself as to why I was so weak as a human being…
.-= Cecilia´s last blog ..“The best day” =-.
I just happened to read this on a day that I spent with my childhood friend of 20 years, so it really tugged at my heart. I cannot even begin to imagine. Good for you for letting go of the guilt. We’re so good at holding ourselves to inhuman standards. Sounds like you really tried to be there and I can only imagine how the fragile self-esteem of a 14-year-old girl handles chemo, etc. There are so many reasons she would have withdrawn from her friends, but I bet none that had to do with your friendship. Blessings!
.-= Ashley´s last blog ..I could really use =-.
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