As far back as I can remember I always envisioned myself having a daughter one day. I guess I never thought that it was possible that I might never have one.
When I was pregnant the first time, my hubby and I knew it was a boy from day one. Even though we never found out the sex ahead of time, we always referred to the baby growing inside of me as “him”. I loved the idea of having a boy first, to protect the daughter I would have one day.
Then I got pregnant the second time. Since we loved being surprised the first time around, we decided not to find out the sex of the baby. Everyone around me thought it was a girl because of the way I was carrying. In some ways I thought it was a girl as well but my motherly instinct deep down knew it was a boy.
I remember going to the big ultrasound and watching the screen as the technician scanned the baby. I was waiting for any sign that it was a girl, to somehow get a glimpse of her growing inside of me. Thoughts started flooding my mind. I could pictured us giggling together as I braided her hair, watching her twirl and dance on stage, and having a girls’ day out complete with shopping, lunch and spa time.
Then an image popped up that haunted me for weeks.
I tormented myself.
Why would the technician show that part of the baby if she knew I didn’t want to know the sex? It couldn’t be what I thought, could it?
I even went so far as to look up other ultrasound photos online to compare. I knew then that it was a boy but a tiny part of me wanted to believe that it was still a little girl.
The day came for my c-section. As I laid there strapped to the table, feeling quite sick and completely nervous, I waited as they tugged and pulled on me to get the baby out.
I finally heard the tiny cry that made my heart skip a beat. I was in love and I didn’t even know who this little creature was.
My hubby looked over and turned to me and said, “Its a boy.”
He was both in shock because he too thought it was going to be a girl and a little skeptical of the way I would react.
At that moment, I didn’t care that the baby was a boy. He was my baby, he was healthy and all I wanted to do was get my hands on him.
It was a few hours later when I finally was able to hold him. He was beautiful, perfect in every way.
I was completely in love once again. I still couldn’t believe that I had two babies. Two sons.
My hubby and I know that two kids is the perfect amount for our family. For a long time I never thought about the fact that I would never have a daughter. It still didn’t feel like a reality to me.
I have to admit sometimes when I am out and see a little girl or a pretty little dress, my heart aches a bit. Really I will never have a daughter?
But God had different plans for me and I now realize what a privilege it is to raise boys. I love watching my boys play together and witnessing the special bond they are creating with each other.
I know I am lucky to have two beautiful, energetic and healthy boys. I wouldn’t have it any other way.