As far back as I can remember I always envisioned myself having a daughter one day. I guess I never thought that it was possible that I might never have one.
When I was pregnant the first time, my hubby and I knew it was a boy from day one. Even though we never found out the sex ahead of time, we always referred to the baby growing inside of me as “him”. I loved the fact of having a boy first, to protect the daughter I would have one day.
Then I got pregnant the second time. Again we never found out what we were having {I loved being surprised} and everyone around me thought it was a girl. In some ways I thought it was a girl as well but my motherly instinct deep down knew it was a boy.
I remember going to the big ultra-sound and watching the screen as the technician scanned the baby. I was waiting for any sign that it was a girl. To somehow get a glimpse of her growing inside of me.
Then an image popped up that haunted me for weeks.
I tormented myself.
Why would the technician show that part of the baby if she knew I didn’t want to know the sex? It couldn’t be what I thought, could it?
I even went so far as to look up other ultra-sound photos on-line to compare. I knew then that it was a boy but a tiny part of me wanted to believe that it was still a little girl.
The day came for my c-section, as I laid there strapped to the table, feeling quite sick and completely nervous I waited as they tugged and pulled me to get my baby out.
I finally heard the tiny cry that made my heart skip a beat. I was in love and I didn’t even know who this little creature was.
My hubby looked over and turned to me and said, “Its a boy.”
He was both in shock because he too thought it was going to be a girl and a little skeptical of the way I would react.
At that moment, I didn’t care that the baby was a boy. He was my baby, he was healthy and all I wanted to do was get my hands on him.
It was a few hours later when I finally was able to hold him and I couldn’t stop starring and thinking how beautiful and perfect he was.
I was completely in love once again. I still couldn’t believe that I had two babies. Two sons.
My hubby and I know that two kids is the perfect amount for our family. For a long time I never thought about the fact that I would never have a daughter. It still didn’t feel like a reality to me.
I have to admit sometimes when I am out and see a little girl or a pretty little dress, my heart aches a bit. Really I will never have a daughter? This thought still haunts me a bit.
My mom and I are really close and I think about what my future holds without a daughter and the bond that we would have later in life.
But my boys are my life. Having a sister I know the special relationship that same sex siblings can have. I love watching them play together and how Big A makes Little B crack up. They already have a wonderful brotherly bond.
Overtime I am sure the longing for a daughter will pass. I know I am lucky to have two beautiful, energetic and healthy little boys.
I love them with every piece of me and they melt my heart everyday. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
This post was written to help celebrate Theta Mom’s Blogoversary. Head on over to read more beautifully written posts.
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AWWW!! I have the three boys myself and know exactly how you feel! With my third, everyone was convinced that “it” had to be a girl. I tried convincing myself of that too, but again, like you, I knew deep down it was another boy. I was prepared for a boy. Would I change a thing? No. Do I miss pink? Yes, but I have nieces.
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