As far back as I can remember I always envisioned myself having a daughter one day. I guess I never thought that it was possible that I might never have one.
When I was pregnant the first time, my hubby and I knew it was a boy from day one. Even though we never found out the sex ahead of time, we always referred to the baby growing inside of me as “him”. I loved the fact of having a boy first, to protect the daughter I would have one day.
Then I got pregnant the second time. Again we never found out what we were having {I loved being surprised} and everyone around me thought it was a girl. In some ways I thought it was a girl as well but my motherly instinct deep down knew it was a boy.
I remember going to the big ultra-sound and watching the screen as the technician scanned the baby. I was waiting for any sign that it was a girl. To somehow get a glimpse of her growing inside of me.
Then an image popped up that haunted me for weeks.
I tormented myself.
Why would the technician show that part of the baby if she knew I didn’t want to know the sex? It couldn’t be what I thought, could it?
I even went so far as to look up other ultra-sound photos on-line to compare. I knew then that it was a boy but a tiny part of me wanted to believe that it was still a little girl.
The day came for my c-section, as I laid there strapped to the table, feeling quite sick and completely nervous I waited as they tugged and pulled me to get my baby out.
I finally heard the tiny cry that made my heart skip a beat. I was in love and I didn’t even know who this little creature was.
My hubby looked over and turned to me and said, “Its a boy.”
He was both in shock because he too thought it was going to be a girl and a little skeptical of the way I would react.
At that moment, I didn’t care that the baby was a boy. He was my baby, he was healthy and all I wanted to do was get my hands on him.
It was a few hours later when I finally was able to hold him and I couldn’t stop starring and thinking how beautiful and perfect he was.
I was completely in love once again. I still couldn’t believe that I had two babies. Two sons.
My hubby and I know that two kids is the perfect amount for our family. For a long time I never thought about the fact that I would never have a daughter. It still didn’t feel like a reality to me.
I have to admit sometimes when I am out and see a little girl or a pretty little dress, my heart aches a bit. Really I will never have a daughter? This thought still haunts me a bit.
My mom and I are really close and I think about what my future holds without a daughter and the bond that we would have later in life.
But my boys are my life. Having a sister I know the special relationship that same sex siblings can have. I love watching them play together and how Big A makes Little B crack up. They already have a wonderful brotherly bond.
Overtime I am sure the longing for a daughter will pass. I know I am lucky to have two beautiful, energetic and healthy little boys.
I love them with every piece of me and they melt my heart everyday. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
This post was written to help celebrate Theta Mom’s Blogoversary. Head on over to read more beautifully written posts.
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{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: mommythisnthat
June 28, 2010 at 8:26 am
When I got pregnant I too felt he was a boy and he was, which was wonderful as I didn’t want a daughter. I was so worried that he would be a she and I would have to deal with those feelings before the baby arrived. See I have 4 sisters and a not so great mom/daughter relationship.
We are thinking of adding to our family…and I still want another boy. But I am more at ease with the thought of having a little girl and think in the end I will be ok.
.-= Melisa´s last blog ..Just Say No =-.
Twitter: tatterscoops
June 28, 2010 at 9:20 am
OMG…we wrote about the same thing! How wonderful is that?! I feel you…totally feel you, as for me…we just decided that 3 boys are enough and with that ‘track records’ the only way to know for sure we’ll have a baby girl is by special medical intervention and we wouldn’t want it that way. You wrote so beautifully I love this and my heart do still aches for that little girl but you’re right our boys are our lives and let’s hope one day…they’ll make us proud grandmas of cute little girls!
Btw, I love your blog and now following you back! Thank you so much for visiting mine.
Twitter: Mommyfriend
June 28, 2010 at 9:41 am
I could have written this post! I am the mom of 2 boys as well and it still somehow seems wild to me. I always knew I would have a girl and yet here I am. I like being the queen of my castle and being vastly outnumbered by boys, emotions that surprised even me. Thanks for sharing!
I absolutely LOVE having a boy. I am so in love with him that sometimes I can’t even see straight! But, I will admit, that I was a little disappointed when I had my ultrasound. I had all these visions of having a little girl to go shopping with, braid her hair, etc. But now, I seriously don’t know what I’d do with a little girl! I am “one and done” and I couldn’t be happier!
I’m also the mom of two boys, with one on the way. We’re not finding out, but deep down, I just know I’ll have an all-boy family. That’s fine with me because I love my little boys. But it’s also a little sad to think I’ll never have a little girl to get ready for the prom, take for pedicures, plan a wedding and have mother-daughter talks with. Guess we’ll have to settle for those daughter-in-laws in the future!
.-= Erica´s last blog ..Baby Walters Update =-.
Oh, how I can relate. Though, I HAD to find out at the ultrasounds what babies 2 and 3 were. I wanted all that over with before they were born. But, like you, we are done. It’s family-size we’ve looked at, not gender.
Moms of Boys ROCK!
Twitter: IASoupMama
June 28, 2010 at 11:01 am
This is a super post — I was convinced my firstborn was a girl and was shocked for all of about .00001 second before I fell in love with his swimming image on the screen. Your sons are luck to have you for a mama!
.-= IASoupMama´s last blog ..I Am Proud to be a Theta Mom =-.
Well, I just KNEW one of them HAD to be a girl. It just had to be! But, alas, no. And for a while it bothered me that I wouldn’t have any girls, I wouldn’t be able to teach them anything other than “Girly” stuff. But I’m coming to terms with that, lol.
And as for sonograms, I had a “professional” tell me when I was pregnant with #2 that “I’m 99.5% sure it’s a girl, but I don’t know what those round things are.” And this was a guy who had been doing this for years. Good grief.
Oh don’t I know it!!! We never found out either and the third time, they didn’t even say it’s a boy in the OR, they just pulled the kid out and everyone started to laugh and I was like, oh my god, it’s another boy isn’t it?
I miss the idea of dance recitals, and all the cute clothes in the store, but I wouldn’t trade my boys for anything!
Lots of yummy love,
Alex aka Ma, What’s For Dinner
http://www.mawhats4dinner.com
.-= Alex aka ma whats for dinner´s last blog ..For the love of all that is FROOTY =-.
Twitter: ThetaMom
June 28, 2010 at 11:34 am
You were meant to have those two boys and it’s a blessing that you see it that way. And think about it, you wouldn’t have your blog “Life Without Pink” otherwise!!
Thanks for sharing mama!!
You know I feel ya, girl!
I always thought I’d have at least one girl, and here we are with boys as well. My pregnancies are really tough (terrible sickness that I have to be medicated for for well over 20 wks) and we’re not sure we could survive another infant phase.
We are considering adoption sometime down the road of an older girl needing a forever home at some point in time. But, for now, I’m holding out hope for some sweet grand-daughters that I can spoil and dote over as well as appreciating future daughter-in-laws all the more!
~h
Twitter: noahzmommy
June 28, 2010 at 1:49 pm
I too seem to be destined to be a mom of boys….and I so am with you…there re times when I see the adorable clothes….or when I happen to glance at my wedding dress in the closet…I wonder about the daughter I won’t have….but I wouldn’t trade my boys (one who I will finally meet soon) for anything in the world….
.-= Lesley´s last blog ..Skip Hop Review -amp Giveaway =-.
Out of 9 kids on both sides of me and my husband’s family only one is a girl, so we all had high hopes for another girl when my SIL announced her pregnancy at Christmas. She’s due in about a month with…another boy.
I’ve really enjoyed your blog since I found it and I have an award for you in today’s post http://bit.ly/dBT4Jg
.-= Tennessee Mom´s last blog ..Fettuccine and Sunshine =-.
Twitter: erinlynn76
June 28, 2010 at 3:10 pm
I have the exact opposite situation…all pink, no blue….
maybe we can do a trade?
.-= erin´s last blog ..Clean The Gulf – Message From My Twitter Friends =-.
At the moment, I plan on a boy and a girl (My children will be through adoption which makes it a lot easier to choose) but who knows what God has planned for me.
.-= Teresa Dawn´s last blog ..Listen to the Crowd =-.
Twitter: caramamma
June 28, 2010 at 6:15 pm
Beautiful post!!! And your boys are lucky to have such a great mom!!
I am happy to loan you my daughter and her tutu–she will rid you of any pangs of wanting a girl
.-= cara mamma´s last blog ..What makes me a Theta Mom =-.
This is beautiful. You write so well. I have two girls and one boy. While I feel so blessed with having them, I am always haunted by thinking there was one more. But, all signs point to us being done and slowly I’m getting to be okay with that.
Twitter: ingenuemom
June 28, 2010 at 7:54 pm
I have had so much fun dressing up a little girl, but I also think you’re so lucky to have 2 boys! Boys & their mamas are so sweet! PLUS you get to have the future daughter-in-laws (I have a wonderful mother-in-law) and the future granddaughters possibly AND you get to bypass the horrible teenage girl junk. I am personally terrified of the teenage years with a girl. I remember being a teenage girl & I was crazy!!! The hormones, augh!!
But all that being said, I completely understand what you’re saying. My best friend is on the opposite end. She has 2 girls & really wants a little boy, but has sort-of given up hope. It’s hard, but at the same time I know you will be so blessed by your boys!!
.-= Cameron´s last blog ..For the Newbie Bloggers =-.
Maybe someday, you will have a very special daughter in law for help fill that small void of not having a daughter.
I have a very special relationship with my MIL just like that. She had two sons and when I became a wife, I also became her daughter in every sense of the word.
Twitter: dishes_laundry
June 28, 2010 at 10:46 pm
I know your blog title is “Life Without Pink” but are you and hubby definitely done having kids?
I know I want another baby, I just know right now isn’t the right time for us. I’ve always wanted a girl but since my older kids are so much older and currently our family count sits at 3 girls, 2 boys, I would actually want a boy to even out the genders. Plus I know baby boys and toddler boys. Hubby didn’t meet B until he was 5 and he had calmed considerable by then. Hubby needs a toddler boy to show him what real toddlerhood is all about. None of this little girls who play independently and quietly!
It is funny what we envision we would have. I pictured myself with a lot of children, but have been blessed with one. I am new to your blog and you have a follower! Come and visit me at Mama’s Little Chick.
Mama Hen
Twitter: leahwinstead
June 29, 2010 at 8:33 am
I love little girl things… hello? I have a hello kitty tattoo. there was no way in the entire world I could ever have a boy. like not even possible. my dr did an ultrasound every visit (not b/c anything was wrong but because she had the machine in her office.) from week…idk… 13 she said it was a girl. finally at 22 weeks she sent me to get the big 3D ultrasound. The tech said… “I see boy parts!” and I told him to STFU. this is real. Ask my husband who was mortified. I was crushed. I felt like I had lost my little girl and who was this strange boy in my belly? But of course it all worked out (as everything always does) and I have the sweetest little boy ever. It hit me probably a year ago when I was out shopping why I didn’t have a girl… I would have straight up, without a doubt, gone bankrupt buying little girl stuff. Having a baby is expensive enough, but I would have HAD to have every tiny pink chair, boa, tiara, dress, shoes, and tutu.
When I was preggo with my Stanky both the hubs and I knew just KNEW we were having a girl. Everything was different from when I was pregnant with Juju and my older 2 boys. We knew NOTHING! 17 weeks we ent in for our ultrasound and when she passed over “the spot” my heart kind of broke. I mean I seen that thing 3 times already. What happened? But I love my loud bunch!
And wouldn’t trade them in for little girls…NEVER!!
.-= Nicole´s last blog ..Before or After =-.
Twitter: softthistle
June 29, 2010 at 5:16 pm
I don’t feel like I’m done having kids yet, I’d like one more, so that’s what we’re trying for. Would I like it to be a girl? Of course! Will it likely be a girl? I think probably not. At the end of the day, so long as our kids are happy and healthy that’s all that matters, right?
Plus… there’s always the possibility of grandkids!
.-= Marylin´s last blog ..Sunday Snippets 2 =-.
Twitter: mommyneedsvaca
June 30, 2010 at 2:01 am
I love this post. We didn’t find out the gender either time and I too loved the surprise! I also have a sister and we are best friends. When I had a girl first I always hoped that my 2nd would be another girl so that they too could be best friends. I had that mommy-gut feeling and knew the 2nd time around that it was a boy. I remember towards the end getting worried b/c I wanted a sister for my Sadie-Lady. But as soon as he popped out, I was instantly in love. I can’t imagine not having my little boy. And they love each other too!
.-= Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation´s last blog ..Wordful Wednesday- My View =-.
Twitter: harmskills
June 30, 2010 at 6:24 am
yeah I might be done with kids, which means no daughter for us. who knows. I go back and forth. If we do have a #2 I just want him or her to be happy and healthy! I love the idea of brothers, but I also love the idea of one of each
.-= harmskills´s last blog ..Canada- eh =-.
Twitter: notsuperjustmom
June 30, 2010 at 7:28 am
I’m a Boy Mom, too! Only of one so far, but I know the ache you’re talking about. I hope to have a little girl someday, but I know if I had another little boy, I’d love him a ton.
.-= Miranda´s last blog ..Dear Me-Letters to Myselves =-.
You may be grateful there’s no pink around in about 10-12 years. Teenage girls are really, really hard. Plus, they stop wearing pink.
Congratulations on your big day!
.-= Grace´s last blog ..Titty- Titty- Bang- Bang- =-.
Twitter: RandomRecycling
July 2, 2010 at 1:25 pm
I feel like I should go buy a pink tutu just because I can. We were blessed with a daughter who is such a joy, but I’m sure it would be the same with the different kinds of joy a boy can bring. It’s great they bring unique qualities into your family and we love them no matter what.
Congrats on being featured Friday blogger
.-= Emily @ Random Recycling´s last blog ..A Toothbrush made of Money =-.
When I was pregnant, I just kind of knew that both of my babies were boys. While my husband wanted a girl, I was really happy to have two boys. However, there are times when I think ahead and realize that my babies will be older one day and they will go do manly things with their dad and I… will stay home or do something else alone or with friends… just not with them. It’s then that my heart aches a little because I think that a daughter may be more of friend and companion.
Congratulations on your SITS feature!
.-= Licia´s last blog ..the platinum rule =-.
Twitter: growwithstacy
July 2, 2010 at 4:00 pm
Very touching post! I too always imagined myself having a daughter someday. Before I got pregnant the first time I found myself praying hard for a little boy ~ and that’s exactly what I got. My perfect little boy.
Now I am less than a week away from finding out what my second and last will be. I will honestly be excited either way, but a part of me does hope to be able to do the pigtails and dresses.
.-= Stacy´s last blog ..Make Extra Income With Your Blog- =-.
Don’t worry! One day, you’ll have daughter-in-laws that’ll give you granddaughters to put in those cute little pink dresses and bows.
.-= Whitney´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
I know what you are saying. We only have one boy. But, once I was pregnant, I knew I’d have a boy. I took a look at Jeremy’s family and realized that they are all boys. He does have a sister, but they have different dads. Here’s the break down: Jeremy has 4 brothers and 1 sister. His sister and brother each have 3 boys. There was a slight chance I could have a girl, but I would never bank on it.
.-= Michelle B´s last blog ..Potty Training Update and Friday Follows =-.
Twitter: funwithmama
July 3, 2010 at 4:29 pm
I have a girl so i cant completey relate.. but when I was pregnant with my daughter I was told she was a boy… in my heart i felt that she was a girl and I felt so shocked when they told me it was a boy… i felt so out of tune… but then i got used to the idea of having a boy… and at my 20 week scan… she was a girl lol
I know this isn’t completely relevant tho!
I want a brother for my son.. but i also want a sister for my daughter.. (4 kids)..
It’s true isn’t it, we take what the good Lord gives us. Your post was beautiful, and I completely agree with everything that you said. And well, on the plus side, you won’t be forced to sit through a Justin Bieber concert! Serioulsy, lovely post, you write beautifully.
.-= Sandra´s last blog ..First Timer =-.
Twitter: robinobryant
July 5, 2010 at 9:42 am
Hi!
Came over from LBS, nice post! I have three little girls and feel the same way sometimes about the little boy I’ll never have!
Twitter: mycomplicated
July 7, 2010 at 10:52 am
I think every momma of boys probably feels like this, too! My aunt has too boys and because of that my little sister gets spoiled like crazy! Are there any other girls in the family?
Twitter: kdcevents
July 9, 2010 at 6:52 pm
I too had to accept that I will never have pink. I also have two boys. Two beautiful, perfect boys. I cry sometimes at the thought of never having the relationship with a daughter like my mom and I have. It makes me cherish my mother in law because some day, that’s as close as I will get to a daughter. I pray I am blessed with all grand-daughters some day!
.-= denice´s last blog ..Happy 4th of July- =-.
Tug of familiar heart strings……….
This post made my heart ache with yours. I wouldn’t sale one of my boys for all the money America has indebted itself…BUT, oh to have a shopping buddy, pedicure pal, Ballarina to-be, etc.
But then I remind myself that having a little princess would probably take my attention away from my little men.
OH THE INTERNAL TURMOIL!
Twitter: westcoastmama
August 1, 2010 at 9:47 pm
I too always wanted a little girl but I knew from the beginning of my pregnancy my little guy was a boy. I knew it in my heart. However, I was still insistent on a girl. I even knitted a pink hat! I still have the pink one if I ever have a girl. But I know my next will be a boy as well. And I am the happiest mama to a boy! Couldn’t imagine having a girl now!
.-= Julie´s last blog ..Wild about Watermelons! =-.
I have a boy and my gut tells me that even if I have 7 more kids, all will be boys. Not that I plan to have 7 more kids!
I don’t mind but I would miss out on dressing a girl in the ridiculously adorable girl clothes out there!
.-= Laura @ The Things I Said I’d Never Do´s last blog ..Friday Foodstuffs =-.
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