First of all, thank you very much for the wonderful comments last week when I poured my heart out about how life has changed with having two kids and how I can’t believe my oldest will be 4 years old in a month {gulp}!
So I’m playing along again this week. I think its such a great meme that Shell started over at Things I Can’t Say!
So I had an incident happen with Big A {my almost 4 yr old} the other day.
He is really into super heroes. Spider Man. Super Man. Iron Man. Human Torch. Silver Surfer. Wolverine.
He will run around the house pretending to fly like each of them. He knows exactly how they fly; arm position, facial expression and even the noise or saying they make when they take off. Now my 18-month old tries to imitate his brother and fly around the house after him. Its pretty cute to watch.
Anyway, the other night my hubby and I were eating dinner while the kids were running flying around the kitchen.
We both caught it. My son ran into the room {he didn’t know we were watching him}, did the choke hold on himself {you know both hands around his neck} and then pretended to faint!
My hubby and I looked at each other. Our mouths fell open and our eyes popped out {at least it felt like that}.
“Did you just see that?” I said.
“Yep!”
So we called my son over and asked him what he was doing. Of course he fully doesn’t understand so we explained to him that he should never put his hands around his throat like that because he could get really hurt.
Then we asked where he saw that? And he gave us three different answers which still left us confused. So we dropped it and were hoping he learned his lesson.
A few days later, Big A was getting into trouble for pushing his brother. I came over to him and knelt down to his level to talk to him.
Then it happened again!
He put his hands around my throat and giggled. Not hard or vicious but nonetheless he did it.
Again, I had to explain to him that he could hurt someone and he is to never do that again.
So I asked him again where he saw that. This time he told me “Thing” did it.
If you are not up on your super heroes, “Thing” is from Fantastic 4, which we have let him watch before. Its not a violent movie at all and one that we felt would be ok for him to watch once in awhile or so we thought.
So fast forward to last night.
After bath time, the kids were playing on the bed giggling, wrestling and being silly. I walked in and saw it yet AGAIN!
Big A was standing on his bed and put his hands around his neck and acted like he fainted to his bed {he even had the tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth}!
What the!?
So I went in and now I felt like I had to have a serious conversation with him.
I am not sure if this is the right thing to do but I wanted to get the point across that what he is doing {even though he thinks it is funny and he isn’t squeezing his hands around his neck, rather just resting them there, but still who knows where that could lead} is very dangerous.
So I had the talk. Well the abridged version about death and heaven.
I didn’t want to scare him but I wanted him to know about it. I explained that by putting his hands around his neck or anyone’s he could prevent them from breathing. And if you don’t breathe you could pass out or worse you could really get hurt and go to heaven.
Then he said, “I’ll die and go to heaven? Will I come back”.
“No buddy, you won’t. You will not see mommy, daddy, little B, mom-mom or poppy….again. We would all be very sad and cry a lot. We love you and don’t want that to happen to you. That is why you have to be careful.”
“Ok Mom I won’t do that again. I want to stay with you and daddy and little B.”, then he gave me the biggest kiss and hug.
Brief to the point and done. I didn’t want to dwell on it but just get my point across.
Some of you may not agree with me telling him that {sometimes I am not sure if that was ok} but I didn’t go into too much detail in fear of scaring the poor kid.
I feel that he is old enough to start understanding about life and death and I want him to know that he has to be careful because some things can be very dangerous and he or someone could get very hurt.
I want to know – have you had that conversation with your child? If so, how did you handle?
{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
I have not really had this real of a conversation with Charley but I am so tempted. He plays “Star Wars” and army guys a lot with his friends and I don’t think he understands that guns are really scary things … I too don’t want to scare him but I want him to understand that you don’t come back to life…because in a lot of the cartoons and movies they do come back. I think you handled it really well!
My boys like to hit themselves in the head…and say Ow! over and over….they do it when they are acting shy or when people stop at our house…the look bizarre and I have told them we don’t hit in our house…not even ourselves…but they still do it out of habit. Drives me nuts. Advice? I think Charley picked it up from preschool.
.-= Sarah @ For the Love of Naps´s last blog ..Grace in Small Things #51 =-.
Yeah its a touchy situation. They are at the age where they should know something about it but of course you have to do it in a easy way so they don’t get scare. I think my son picks things up from school too, he could of picked this up as well. Sometimes he will tell me 3 different answers, I never know which one is true!
I admit that my Toot hasn’t gotten old enough for this to come up…yet. From what I’ve read here, I think you handled it splendidly!
.-= Maggi´s last blog ..Dancing With the Realization That I Will Never Get These Two Hours of My Life Back =-.
Thanks so much! It is hard to be a parent…sometimes you just dont know what the right thing to do is!
Even when they’re older, it’s good to keep the lines of communication open. SITS sent me by, and I’m glad they did!
The Wind in the Willows
That’s what I think. Trying to be honest with him, at a 4 yr old level though
We have had almost the exact conversation with our 4 year old. Brief, to the point and done. He’s doing more and more pretend play but with a twist to real life. He’s understanding heroes and villains…and they fight and hurt each other. He likes to act it out with his 18 month old brother…
you handled this very well…and I’m right there in the same boat with ya.
.-= Kerri´s last blog ..Comment-Love Letters =-.
Sounds like we are in the same situation! Yes my 18 month old picks so much up and now he imitates his older brother…great!~
I had to have this talk with my oldest too, and I handled it very much the same way. That if someone dies, we don’t get to see them again and they don’t come back(I didn’t go into seeing them in Heaven because at this point, it defeats my purpose).
Thanks for pouring your heart out!
.-= Shell´s last blog ..Mommy Moments: Boys, Bras, and Boobs =-.
Yes I know the dreaded talk but it must be done sometime. This is why I am glad {sometimes, lol} not having a girl and all of the “talks” we would need!
Wow T! What a scary moment for you! Esp. when it kept on happening over and over. I really admire you for the way that you handled it. While I’m not a mom, and I can’t imagine going through that, or knowing what to say, how to say it, etc. … I really think that you handled it beautifully. I don’t know that there is an age or time when handling that discussion is “appropriate” – it’s what works for you, and it seems that it needed to be done, and it was received the way that you wanted it to be received, so I give you a lot of credit for getting the courage to go down that road.
Thanks Jenn…..yes its hard to figure out the best way to do things at times. As they grow and learn, so do we!
I have had the heaven and death conversation with my oldest child who is 6 after my dog passed away. She asked me about dying. Then the ultimate question came up “will I be able to come back and see you after I die?” I explained to her that once you pass away “you’re not in your body anymore and you go to live with God. ” She didn’t seem scared about it so I didn’t press on about it. She said she wants to be here to see everyone. She didn’t want to die.
I think you handled it well. I can speak from experience though, they will ask again. It will come up again. Being a parent is the hardest job.
.-= Tiffany´s last blog ..Pour Your Heart Out-Sweet Baby Girl =-.
Yes that is a hard thing to go through my a child loses their pet and it does make them question what happens. I know I was dreading having conversations like this but I know there will be many more and as long as I take my time and explain to them {in as much detail as I can for their age} it will be better in the long run.
I have not had to have the conversation with my children yet – but i do think it is a very important one! I don’t think we gain anything by sugarcoating or looking past something. Of course it should be done with respect to their age (which you have done) but these lessons in life are important and it’s great to set the stage for discussion – no matter what the discussion is
.-= Devan @ Accustomed Chaos´s last blog ..When A Woman Has A Miscarriage … =-.
I agree! I was just so surprised when he started doing this and thought ok now is the time…he needs to learn so that he knows that what he is doing can potentially dangerous.
My 10 year old son did have questions about death years ago. One of my uncles passed away. He started to wonder where his uncle was, why didn’t he see him anymore. I told him that he was very sick and he went to heaven and we wont be able to see him anymore. Then a few years later my aunt passed away and he asked if she was in heaven and he is going to miss her.
I think you did a great job explaining it to your son.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday: The Past Still Hurts =-.
Thank you. I know it must be hard to lose a family member especially as a child. Its scary to them and unfortunately something they will need to learn about.
That’s a tough one … my 10 and 9 year old seem to understand the concept of death but there is no way my 3 year old does … yet, we have had to tell him that if he continues to try and jump out that window waaayyy up there that he will get hurt and break his arm … but no real death talk- not yet.
.-= Shauna´s last blog .. =-.
I know I don’t know how much my son understands {don’t really think he got it]. And oh wow, jump out the window?!?! Only boys right!
That’s so hard! It’s hard to know what it right to do/say. I think you know your kids the best…so I’m sure you are doing what is best! Thanks for sharing, it really make me think!
.-= Kim – In Search of Me in Mommy´s last blog ..My "Dirty Little Secrets" =-.
Thanks for coming by! I just visited your site and your “Little Dirty Secrets” are awesome!!! A must read!
.-= Tina @ Life Without Pink´s last blog ..A Few Must Have Blogging Tools =-.
When my daughter was around 3 or 4 I was in our family room folding laundry. She was on my bed watching a movie. After a while, I felt I should go check on her. I walked into my room seeing my daughter struggling for breath. She had tied a balloon string (still attached to the balloon) around her neck and it was choking her. After frantically getting it off and comforting her, I asked her why she’d done that. She said she wanted to fly. Like you, I told her the basics of what could have happened. It is so scary how precious life is and how fast it can be taken. I think you did the right thing by explaining to him what can happen.
OMG what a horrible scary story! Thank god she is ok! A few weeks ago my son thought it was fun to wrap the balloon around his neck. Thankfully we were there and immediately took it off and told him how he could stop breathing. My husband cut the strings off and said that’s it no more balloons with strings in this house! It is sooooo scary!
T,
We were forced to have this conversation with both of the older girls when we watched Marley & Me. We rented the movie not realizing that Marley dies in the movie. We thought it was just a happy movie about a family & their silly dog. So we had to have the conversation right then and there and to this day Olivia still asks me about dying and going to heaven. I feel that we did the right thing given the circumstances but I’m not sure I would have done it so soon otherwise.
I think you did the right thing.
I had that talk with my oldest daughter Bailey at that age. I think it is very important for them to know how serious life can be. At that age Bailey was NOT listening to us no matter how many punishments she got. We finally had to discuss with her how important is was for her to listen to us so that she can stay safe-Hold My Hand in the parking lot was not a request; neither was Get Down! when she was standing at the edge of a 6 foot wall.
I definitely believe in guarding our children’s hearts-but I also believe that we need to prepare and equip them to make good and safe decisions.
.-= Emily´s last blog ..Giving Meaning to Easter (aka a post with very few pictures) =-.
I think you did the right thing. I can remember having mini talks like this with my children…..I still do sometimes. This especially came about during their dad’s deployment. Lots of questions popped up during that 15 months. As parents I think we do the best we can to answer and protect our children. No one can tell you if something is right or wrong or when its the correct time. I still worry because I have not had the birds and the bees talk with my 9 year old…….oh maybe his dad can handle that one! Good luck!
.-= Bry´s last blog ..Pour your heart out Wednesday =-.
Oh mama. My so is SOOO into the superhero thing right now, and he is almost 4 as well. I can’t stand the aggressive play, and dad jumps in, too! I’ve had to have the talk, and I sure as heck tried to scare the crap out of him, telling him that hurting people or killing people is not funny, and it is not how we treat others (or we will be treated the same way). I told him basically the same thing you did, and I’m hoping it stuck. But I don’t know, because as I write this, he and daddy are hitting each other with swords and pretending to kill each other. God save me….I’m in for it with this one.
.-= Tricia´s last blog ..Tricia’s Trend Report-Spring 2010 =-.
You are so funny and sounds like you are totally in the same boat as me! When my husband is home all three of them {my 18 month included} are wrestling, jumping on each other, etc. I sometimes can’t stand the noise
The other day they all were doing this and had bruises all over, but the boys loved it. God help me too!
.-= Tina @ Life Without Pink´s last blog ..A Few Must Have Blogging Tools =-.
I think what you told him was absolutely ok! Sometimes we have to be a little extreme for them to fully understand what could happen.
Good job, Mom!!
.-= Amanda (Garibay Soup)´s last blog ..Crazy Hectic Day ~ But I’ll Survive =-.
Wow…. I’m so a new follower because this is exactly the mom I want to be someday, a mom that is not afraid to be honest and caring and sincere and helping your kids learn how to be awesome and loving and honest and caring too.
awesome.
.-= Danielle´s last blog ..Big Bang Play by Play.. =-.
Danielle, I am blushing! Thank you so much for the nice compliment. This made my day!
I do think this is an important talk and you handled it well! The kids need to know when they potentially put themselves in very harmful situations. It’s tough being a mom, right???
And BTW, you installed the same plug-in as me, threaded comments, right? So, how did you get YOUR replies as the admin to come up in blue to stand out from the others?
Yes I agree its tough at times to be a mom especially since as they go through new experiences it is also first time experiences for us as well.
Yes I have the same plug-in as you. I just downloaded it and checked the button that you had told me. Not working for you? I thought before I saw your comments show up like mine? I’ll have to check.
I’m pretty blunt. I will say die or that can kill, etc. But it seems to shock them into submission, lol
.-= Hear Mum Roar´s last blog ..Learning through everyday play =-.
haha too funny!
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